this is Elle…. remember how i said if i posted again, i made it?

well im here, i made it.

its sunday morning where im at…..laying in bed reflecting on all that has happened.

friday night i drove myself to the hospital, told them i didnt feel safe. i didnt trust myself, i took a bunch of pills and cut my wrists to shit….i told them to help me, to save me, because i was ready to kill myself.

i was held there for all of friday, all of saturday….i must say, an experience ill never forget. the pills i took just made me sick…i threw up for a few hours. i had to have stitches in both my arms, the cuts i had were very deep. they didnt throw me into some padded room, like i was some crazy person. no, they stripped me of all things that i could possibly harm myself with, they gave me a room to stay in and made me feel like i was safe and protected. checked how i was doing physically….i have an irregular heart beat from all the binging and purging ive done….some of my back teeth are decaying….the inside of my mouth was very raw and cut up…my throat was irritated…so many other things, but they’re quite embarrassing to talk about. 

ill always remember the nurse that took care of me….he was a big black man, tall, teddy bear like. his name was Ian. he sat at the side of my bed, out of nowhere, giving me a hug. i was very very dehydrated, my electrolytes were out of wack. and so i was given saline thru an IV in my hand. Ian grabbed both of my hands, examined them, then took my right hand and held it in his. he looked at my forearm with a sad face realizing how cut up it was, explaining why he put the needle thru a vain in my hand. what ill never forget though, is when he was admiring my vains, and told me how beautiful they were. he stayed with me all the time i was in the hospital, he talked with me, told me stories, he let me know everything would be okay.

i wasnt really put on suicide watch, i just…..had people surrounding me that cared and were going to keep me safe from myself. and i liked that…i havent felt safe in a while. 

and so…here i am. scars, raw throat and all. 

laying in bed, i feel gone. i feel empty. i feel clean. i feel innocent. 

as if everything bad has literally been purged.

im exhausted, everything on me hurts. it hurts to talk, it hurts to do anything. my eyes burn from how much crying ive done, my stomach is sore from hyperventilation….it just, hurts. how else can i explain it!

i cant believe how real life got on friday, how sad ones heart can get. 

to those who have left messages in my ask box, i dont know any of you guys, but i love every single one of you. please know that i read everything each on of you said, and i appreciate it all so much.

for the next few weeks, months, im taking it easy. im going to smile as much as possible, and do things to lift my spirits up. i need sleep….sleep….sleep.

i love this life, but it has finally ripped me to shreds.

and with that said, its time to build. its time to take everyday slow. its time to do this right. its time to slowly start to learn to love myself. its time to treat my body right. its time.

xo

-E

to my followers;

i need to let you guys know a little bit about me before i do this.

my biological father left my mum and i when i was 3yrs old, so its just been mum&me for as long as i can remember. my step father she married when i was 5, abused me….ive never told mum about that. it tears me up inside everyday. she had two other kids with him, and they dont accept me. since i was 5, mum has been an alcoholic…she was an alcoholic thru all of my childhood and my teenage years. during those years, i raised my brother and sister…..while she was off drunk doing only god knows what and my step dad was always working. she just got sober 3 years ago. 

although im 19, and living on my own. i feel like a kid trapped in a young adults body. i didnt get the chance to grow up.

this eating disorder, has been going on for the last 2 years. my self-hate has been going on for about 13 years. at first, i just wanted to lose a few pounds. thinking, cool…i can eat, throw up, and that’ll make me skinnier. i can stop whenever i want to.

wrong.

everyday i eat as if i havent eaten in weeks, in one sitting, and i purge till i almost pass out. this goes on about 10-20 different times a day. 

ive attempted suicide once before, when i was a heavy cutter 3 years ago. mum found me in my room before i bled to death.

its been 3 years since ive cut, and tonight was the first time in a while since ive felt the rush of a razorblade cutting into my wrist. im on prozac and a few other medications, i just took way more than i should have. im crying so much right now that its hard for me to even see. my hands are shaking uncontrollably, everything on me is so numb.

i dont feel safe anymore, this is so beyond me. mia has ruined my life, and i cant do this anymore. im so sorry.

but ive decided im going to drive myself to the hospital….i dont want to do this. i dont feel safe. i dont want to die, but mia is killing me. i just need someone to tell me everything will be okay, someone hug me and dont let me go. i need someone to help me.

please, i dont feel safe. i dont trust myself. i dont trust myself.

if i post again, know that im okay and that ive made it.

im sorry.

-E

becomingabombshell-deactivated2 asked: Elle, I may not know you well, but please, if you're thinking of ending it all please don't. It will get better, it has to. You have your follows and everyone els who cares about you. You arent worthless. You can do this! Please don't go and do what your post has me thinking you're going to do! :(

hi love,

thank you for such kind words. and sharing with me your struggle. atleast someone understands, someone cares. Mia is killing me, and i hurt to much right now to keep going. i just cant.

i dont know you either, but my heart is with you. 

im sorry, i just cant do this.

xo

-E

im sorry;

To whom this may concern,

If your reading this, I need to let you know that ive reached the end of my rope. Ive been losing my grip the last few years, and each time I slip, I tie a knot and hold tight. 

Well, theres no room left for knots, and I cant hold on anymore. 

You know how they say, suicide is a selfish act? I don’t know how I feel about that, at first I agreed, but now…im not so sure! When one is hurting to the point where they want to end their life, why should another individual be thrown into the mix? isn’t it selfish to let the one you love, live and continue to suffer? 

I don’t know, its 2 in the morning and im delusional. Sue me.

I don’t believe in god, you know that right? One night I begged for hours to a god I don’t believe in, to let me die in my sleep so I wouldn’t have to deal anymore. And you know what? They say things get better, come morning. 

Wrong. 

4 years later, nothing has changed. 

Why am I this quiet-awkward-fat-waste of flesh? Who needs me? I don’t talk much, im shy, my hands shake, and its hard for me to make eye contact. What the hell am I good for?! 

Why is this world the way it is? And why do we have to feel the way we feel?

Mia has taken over me, I don’t even feel like myself anymore……she makes me hurt myself everyday………and no matter how many times I do it, its never good enough.

“MORE! MORE!” she screams.

Gap in my thighs, sharp hip bones, ribcage showing, bony arms.

My back constantly aches, mystery bruises, raw throat. 

You know…they don’t tell you, your going to end up this way. The magazines, television, movies…..they don’t tell you what your getting yourself into. 

This isn’t just about fitting into that one pair of jeans…..this is about dying a slow death, and looking beautiful on your way to being 6 feet under.

They don’t tell you that your going to be afraid of food, years to come. And when you do try to eat or drink anything, its going to hurt like hell from all the damage you’ve done to your throat and esophagus.

They don’t tell you, you cant go to the bathroom like you used to, and that your slowly going to lose your period.

They don’t tell you how addicting this will get, and how serious it is. 

Bones or death….which do you choose?

I choose death.

Being a walking pile of bones hurts too much, and death is liberation. Freedom from the depths of addiction Mia has put me through. 

To my brother and sister, I wish you the best lives possible. Your too young to understand, just know that I love you both.

To my step dad, im sorry for everything we’ve gone through. I love you.

To the woman who gave me life, im sorry…im so sorry im about to end it, but you need to know that I love you, and have loved you more than my own life itself. Never, never blame yourself for this, because I love you with all of my being. Dead or alive, that’ll never change.

If your reading this, whoever you are, you obviously knew me. I ask one favor of you, burn this letter and forget I died!

Carry the memory of me in your heart, and don’t mourn such loss. 

This life was just too much, and im sorry.

Like I said, dead or alive….

Im still here.

-Elle

i want to purge my soul;

do people not get it?

i dont want to eat, so why the fuck would you make me? i feel disgusting.

words cant explain what im feeling right now.

you know that feeling you get…once you’ve eaten too much. 

you start to panic.

i just purged everything i ate, i purged so hard, purged till i tasted acid, to the point where i thought i was almost going to see blood. and you know what?
i feel amazing. this high i feel is fucking amazing. 

but its not enough….

i want to purge my fucking soul.

mum is putting me in treatment soon, might as well go out with a bang right?

ha, ill show em’.

xo

-E

day 2;

of my liquid fast.

broke it, with minestrone soup….

100 cals! did good today.

(:

xo

-E

day 1….again.

of my liquid fasting. 

i usually start to see some changes in my body, when i fast for 2 days and at the end of the second day…break my fast with something healthy. then the next morning start again.

ive also decided to add to my “workout”!

im a yoga head right, so when im feeling bloated…just down right fat, i do maybe a 30min session and i feel much better! when i was up in the 200lbs range, i started doing yoga because i was so big, that my body constantly ached. i started this routine of stretches about 4 times throughout each day and i started seeing results. i became ALOT more limber, and it seemed to soothe my muscles.almost 100lbs- later, i do yoga each day, like i said 4 times everyday, and now im wayyyy more limber and toned than i ever was! if any of you are interested, leave something in my ask box. id be happy to show you a video of my routine! (:

ANYWAY, sorry for going off topic. back to my addition to my daily exercise.

we all have our problem areas, no? mine is mainly my stomach, and my thighs.

officially adding 100 situps, 100 bicycle legs. and eventually work myself up to 600 each.

lets see where this goes! in about another week or so, ill weigh myself to see how much progress ive made. wish me luck! stay motivated with me, we can do this!!(:

P.S= new followers, thank you so much for joining me! keep in touch!

xo

-E